Current mood: morose
I don't really know how to start this one so...
First, a preface: Holly (or anyone who might also agree) if you are in any way embarrassed by this blog, just say the word. It's not meant to embarrass you or
Holly is a friend near and dear to my heart. We met online (on AOL) when this online thing was just getting off the ground back in 1995 or so. She was going through a separation/divorce at the time and I (like now) was looking around. We hit it off pretty good.
Long story short, she has some medical problems that prompted her to move back home with her parents so they could provide some much needed help and support for her and her children. At the time, I was pretty smitten with her. Right then and there, I would've married her on the spot, even knowing all of her medical problems and family problems and such. At the time, I didn't want her to leave (me...being selfish...go figure!) but I realize now that it was probably the best thing for her. And that was good enough for me; I just didn't realize it at the time.
We never really lost touch with each other, but there were a few years where we only talked or emailed occasionally. Nevertheless, she was never far from my thoughts. I always keep a picture of her (that she hates but I love) near my bed that I took of her when we went camping early on. It's a very poignant semi-profile shot that I think shows her sweetness and her back-country determination and feistiness. That's one thing I really love about her. She's a tiny one but she'll give you what for when she needs to. Kind of like some other friends I know and love.
Anyways, we've been talking quite a bit (emailing) this past year. I wish it was good news but it isn't. At the beginning of the year, Holly was basically told that she had about a year to live. Her medical problems had become so out of control that the combination of her diagnoses was literally killing her. She hasn't been able to work, so she can't pay her bills. She can barely afford to take care of herself and her kids. Anything that she gets, it goes to support her family. Anything she does, it's to support her kids. She does without so her kids can have what they need.
Why am I writing this? Because I received an email from her the other day. She has finally given up (or really, really wants to). Her children are still children (and they act accordingly), never giving her a break or a rest. They can't (and don't) appreciate her difficulties, her illness and her concerns. Her children aren't giving her the respect that she feels she deserves.
She is in constant pain, physically and mentally. She has no energy when she wakes up in the morning to face the multitude of challenges that await her, and she goes to bed just as tired as she woke up.
Her words: "I have nothing, nobody, no reason." When I read it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. How does someone get to that point in their lives? Being in
Here I am, three thousand miles away from her, and I know she needs someone to support her. The best I can do right now is email her or call her. I feel like I could do more for her, but I know she wouldn't allow me to even do that (whatever more I could think of). I know she waits with bated breath to see the next email from me, offering whatever encouragement I can give her. To me, it never feels like enough. To her, it's a rush of energy as if the written word can make things all better, if only for a moment.
I wrote her back immediately to tell her that she does have something, somebody and some reason to keep on going. She knows that. But I'm not there to witness the trials and tribulations of her everyday life.
I just realized that I can't do justice to our emails by paraphrasing them. So here are the emails in their entirety:
Sorry, didn't mean to make ya worry. Just haven't been doin so good physically or mentally lately. Just kinda goin through the motions the best I can. With the holidays comin up and bills piling up health gettin worse, no end in sight for pain at this point, kids not listenin to me, I guess you can say I haven't found a reason yet the past couple of weeks to keep me goin. No reason to keep fightin to live. And to tell ya the truth, it is really dissappointing. I thought I had more, but when it all comes down to it, I have nothing, nobody, no reason.
A friend of mine took me to
My parents don't listen to me, my kids don't listen to me, the friend that took me to Oregon for the weekend doesn't listen.....I swear I have no voice.....nobody hears the words that come out. Only I hear them. It is like a bad dream. I bet that after I die and everyone reads the letters I have written, then they will hear my words. But you know what.....it will be too late.
I am sure this isn't what you want to hear. I'm sorry, that is partly why I haven't written sooner, I didn't have anything good to say. Other than I miss you.....love you. Hopefully soon I will get out of this rut. Christmas should be fun, happy and giving. And I don't see any of that right now. I have had a few friends ask me what I want for Xmas....I just tell them to buy groceries for my kids. I took some stuff to the pawn shop last week, they wouldn't even give me what the stuff was worth. So that was a waste of time and rip off. With gold up to $633 an ounce, I should be able to find enough jewelry to equal an ounce hopefully more.
Anyway, I am goin to get in tub and soak my legs, hopefully the pain and swellin will go down a little. I will write more tomorrow night. Hopefully I'll have more of a positive outlook on things.....Hopefully your eye is better and your doin great and gettin tons of rest. :-)
Love and miss ya,
I'm really at a loss for words. I keep hoping and praying that things will get better; that you will get better. I've been thinking about you quite a bit…yes, you could say that I was just a little worried. I don't know if terrified would be the right word, but it would be pretty close.
Well, I do know that you're a little wrong. I'm still listening and hearing you. I have been from the beginning. But, it's different. I'm not there. I don't see the everyday things. I guess I would call it "my mind's eye" view. In my mind's eye, the world is perfect. You're perfect. I guess I'm feeling that I'm somehow deluding myself with my view. I know—really know—that the world isn't like that. The world isn't perfect. You aren't perfect. I (obviously) know that I'm not perfect. But, I can't stop thinking that this—all this—really isn't what we—God—intended.
Be assured that you have something, somebody, some reason. I've seen people that feel like they have nothing, nobody, no reason. I've tried to tell those people that it just isn't true. I've never seen that in you, until now. And that scares me to the core. I, the eternal optimist, am feeling a bit helpless at the moment. If I were to have one wish it would be to take you away from everything, just so you could be happy. I don't want to say it…
There's only one being that can do that. I can't. Only He can. And if he does that, then I've lost one of the most important people in my life. Lost but NEVER EVER forgotten.
I'm really surprised I can even type right now. I'm a f****** wreck. I can barely see the screen right now. I've just killed a half box of tissues and working damn hard on the other half.
But, you're right—partially. Life does suck (occasionally). It sure isn't fair (sometimes). But, regardless, I'll never stop being the eternal optimist. I've been doing this for 12 years now (
I understand now that no matter what I say or do, or try to do, or wish I could do, that it isn't going to make it better. I have a very good friend with a grandfather. Again, true to my nature, I'm part of the family, so to speak. Her grandfather is ready to go. His wife of 55 years passed away a year or so ago. He's told me that he's just waiting until God's done with him. His wife was his life and he has had a good life. I can respect that. Not exactly the same for you, but I understand you and I respect you when you say that you need to move on. It doesn't make me feel any better inside (just like my friend). I do hope and pray when that moment comes, that you feel fulfilled and loved. That you gave it your all and you gave the world something to remember. Even if it's only two other beings (besides yourself) that believes you: myself and God.
Well, the crying is almost stopped and I can see the screen just a little better. I DO hope and pray that things will get better. For everything to get better. But please know that there is one person that believes in you, that you have something, somebody and some reason. That your life, though not what you expected, does mean something.
I Love You!!
I had a hard time writing that. I have a hard time writing this. I'm surprised I'm even writing all of this. It's hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done or been exposed to. There are questions. And somewhere in all this, I'd expect there are probably answers. Just not as apparent as Holly and I would like.
I am the product of a fairly strict Roman-Catholic household and upbringing. It probably pains my parents to no end that I do not attend church on a regular basis (work beckons), but His teachings have not been forgotten by me. I recognize God and his works on my own terms and I proclaim my faith in my own way. The fact that I haven't been struck down tells me that He respects that.
The reason I bring this up is that one thought I have: How much is enough? We are taught that God only gives so much that one can handle (good things, bad things, etc.). I believe when you get to that point (such as I believe Holly has), that things will happen. How, why, where, when and what do we recognize that moment or event? It's not like we get a bright red neon sign telling us what to do, where to go, etc.
Sometimes it seems there are only more questions, never answers. I guess I'm finally looking for an answer, even though there isn't one forthcoming. My wish isn't something that I could even grant. Only He can do that. And that scares me to an extent, because when he does grant my wish, I'll be without someone that I love and care about. I'm sure I'll continue on with my life until God's done with me. But, it won't ever be the same. And I will have some questions for Him.
Questions without answers.
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affections of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends'; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition, to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I LOVE YOU, HOLLY!
22:42 4 Kudos
Posted by Cherie on [21 Dec 2006 | Thursday] - 23:47
Monday, June 15, 2009
[13 Dec 2006 | Wednesday]